The New Me is the Real Me

The paramedics arrived right before I began retching again and I could hear one of them on his phone relaying to the hospital that I was “healthy as a horse” until the cancer diagnosis last December. Two thoughts crossed my mind. 1) That sure is old news; and, 2) what a great night it was when I saw Patti Smith singing Horses on a small San Francisco nightclub stage decades ago.

My thoughts are disconnected and nonsensical, and I’m confused. It’s been two months since chemo and I’m three weeks outside of surgery. Why the hell am I having this intense dizziness now?

The surgery was my first ever, and it was major. Two breasts sliced off. Although I feel incredibly and deeply sad for my body - for the trauma it’s had to endure - I was okay with losing them, and this nonchalance about having a double mastectomy has me thinking, am I not in touch with my true feelings?   

It seems odd that I can be so indifferent about losing body parts, especially those that define sexy and femininity in our boob obsessed society. Yet, here I am. I’m okay. My attitude astonished one surgeon who got angry when I told him I didn’t want reconstruction. He’s pretty damn sure I’ll come around and see the error of my thinking after the dust settles.

I don’t think so. 

In the 10^th grade, a boy in my class cracked a joke about me being “a cave miner’s dream,” because of my “buried treasure.” I didn’t get it at first, and then I realized he was making fun of my flat chest.  His joke didn’t bother me at all though. I had absolutely no problem whatsoever being small chested. I was athletic and somewhat shy, and didn’t have a big boob personality. Small breasts suited me just fine. The joke turned out to be on him, however, when my late blooming body blossomed with 34C’s by the time I graduated from high school.

My small breasted teenage body

Ever since, my semi-large breasts had always been a bit of a burden. It may sound shocking, but I find it kind of a relief to be rid of them. I can wear snug tank tops now and not look vulgar! I no longer have to wear clothes that hide shirt-bursting voluptuous breasts! Of course, being disfigured is not at all the same as having small breasts, and I don't mean to trivialize the trauma and depression that many women experience after mastectomy. These are just my feelings, and in spite of the disfigurement, I'm comfortable with this new me, which feels very much like the old me, the real me.

I did wonder how I should say goodbye to the girls though. It seemed like I should do something to mark their departure. The day soon arrived and I hadn’t figured out what to do to bid farewell, so at the last moment before heading to the hospital, I simply took a couple photos of the girls in a bra, because, well, they were damn nice breasts, even if I'm a small breasted woman at heart.

Now, weeks later, a vertigo attack has me at the mercy of paramedics. While I’m trying to maintain some sort of civilized behavior in my nauseous stage, I realize one thing this former healthy horse doesn’t have to worry about are boobs popping out of my pajama top. As the paramedics load me into their truck while their red flashing lights create a dazzling psychedelic show on our street, I close my eyes and remember that night so long ago when I was unimaginably young in a small San Francisco nightclub with Patti Smith screaming into a mic painful and poetic lyrics that made me feel anything was possible.   

Not All Sugar Plums & Fairytales

Jumping for joy, for real. Taylor Sherrill photography. 

Today is my last chemo treatment before surgery, and I should be celebrating. After six months of toxic cocktails, my tumors have shrunk enough to make surgery possible. But I’m not celebrating. I’m crying and it’s pissing me off.

My plan was to be the happiness you want to see in the world. If I don't feel happy, I fake it. Cancer doesn’t like happy. Cancer likes stress. Besides, no one likes a sour puss.  But there’s a glitch in my happiness groove, and it’s spelled H-M-O.  I’m in a battle with them for a specific surgeon and it’s not going well. I’ve been denied by the HMO, and Blue Shield. The case is now being reviewed by the state.

All I want is a breast cancer specialist surgeon. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, yes.

The surgeon they’ve assigned me is a General Surgeon, not a specialist. He’s not even board certified in Surgical Oncology. During my consult with him, he didn’t look at my latest test results, which was weird because how can he decide what surgery I should have if he hasn’t checked my latest tests? Well, he doesn’t need no stinkin’ tests to determine what surgery I should have! That’s how good he is! He’s recommending a “simple” mastectomy. He also said there would be no need for any additional testing before the surgery. That seems weird, too. 

I can’t help but think, am I being punk’d?  Here's the kicker. The HMO and Blue Shield denied my request for a third consult because they said the two surgeons I already consulted with are recommending the same thing. But they’re not! So the denials are based on inaccurate information, which for a journalist who deals with fact checking everyday is a mighty frustrating situation. Accuracy? The case reviewers don’t need no stinkin’ truth to deny, deny, deny.

I ended up paying out of pocket for the third consultation with a local breast cancer specialist. Pending further testing, she is recommending a more extensive surgery than the general surgeon that includes intricate and select lymph node dissection, similar to what the second surgeon is recommending. The second and third surgeons also said they would want an additional test or two prior to the surgery to be fully informed and prepared. That makes sense to me. To the HMO, no. To the General Surgeon, no.

I’m in the infusion room. My oncologist just came by and told me the exact opposite of what the HMO told me about a particular part of the appeal process. Ugh. Another catch-22. 

I'm running out of time. It's important to have the surgery before I'm too far out from my last chemo, before the tumors start growing again.  

This hard ass, cynical news desk maestro is trying to hold back tears. It’s not the chemo, it’s not even the cancer. It's the HMO. A nurse tells me everything will be okay. I so want to believe her.

Insert fake smile here.